Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.